Inspired!

Blog of another kind

2009-10-23T21:45:00.002+08:00

I had created another blog at http://www.theunfathomedenigma.wordpress.com and had imported my posts over

I hope to move... ...

But this blog remains... to be a platform for my story-telling and frictional writing, while I'm blog non-frictionally in my wordpress blog, adopting a more sophisticated writing.

But I supposed, I'm not going to advertise them, afterall, the fewer the people know, the better it is. But I sincerely do hope you would give me some comments too.

Smile Of Everything

2009-10-22T20:42:00.007+08:00

When can I move out of the shadow of the tormented past experience and embrace the future all meant me out there? Isn't it time already? How long do have to wait...
I do not want to get entangled by the past of disquiet and grievances, let's go, let everything go, and it must be time to face myself...

It's time to flash my sweetly nonchalant smile again, engulfing the aged demon of darkness and despondency and gradually dissipating while brightening them with the colours I once possessed in the rainbow of my life. It's time to set my steady gaze on them and wait, for the most tolerant and courageous soul goes winning. It's time to make a mistake of a millennium, and never to be fearful of any failures as preponderant. It's time to put away the painted mask that betrayed my deep but true inner feelings, revealing my real and pure self, so that I would never have to feel guilt towards my loved ones who are so selflessly guiding me from a distance, showering me with renewed strength, seemingly to know it all. It's time to reminisce about them and believe in their beliefs for me.

Never fear, never fear, or otherwise everything back from scratch again. Who says others don't have their own melancholy, demoralising story of own to tell? But it's me, it's me, to overcome the subtle fear, that had governed my life for years, so downhearted, so heart-wrenching, but I have to fight on, wearing on my smile of solace and bliss, calming the disturbed ferocious hurricane of unknown dark forces gripping my soul with a metal chain.

There, I shall utter all them, to cease all the prolonged pain. If I ever failed, my smile will do the job, so is my heart and my soul who had been liberated now, if not a little chortle would be adequate. If still defeated, I shall then summon the tiny but powerful goddess within me, to extinguish all those fiery disquiet from a little wave of confidence that gushes and releases out the glamorous lights of hope and sweets of success.

But nothing can resist and remain insusceptible by my soothing smile of serenity and sparkles, manifesting the brilliance and sanguineness in me...

No longer that haunting feelings, that crestfallen, disturbing emotion that will hold to exist, be gone for good, that triumphant and serendipitous adrenaline that surge instead, to stride out of the dark shadow of the past; rejuvenated and ecstatic; Come on! Rock the World! (:

Post-Exam

2009-10-20T17:26:00.004+08:00

In our everyday lives, it can be almost redundant to give a thought on the sophistication of the world beyond, for it could be overwhelmed enough to contemplate about our present and future superficially, at most to the social aspect of survival and livelihood. But then, living in such world, already experienced somehow the diversities and beauty of life on Earth, it seems indeed ever so mystifying having to discover about the enigma of how all parts of lives are ultimately being pieced together into a bigger picture, giving much more meaning to life. In just a short period of my spare time to reading, learning about the existence of the black holes, entropy, theory of everything and Einstein's theory of relativity simply stunned me of the perfect construction of nature-work...

I would most ebulliently be left undisturbed to explore the piles of thick books of fantastic ideas on the universe as my feelings of mankind deepen and mature. However, supposedly post-exam period still busts with intense activities, especially with my involvement of the Cambodia trip and BAS as well as CCAs. My plan of going to the school library to do some background reading so as to complement the curriculum was also so fatefully ruined.

Anyway, Plans of Post-Exam as follows:
1. Start to study for 'O'Level syllabus from Nov.
2. Language Intensive+ Chinese preparation for 'O'level by 22 Oct
3. Leisure reading and to improve general knowledge (continued throughout the whole hols)
4. CCAs Self-Practise by 26 Oct
5. Physical Training by 22 Oct
6. Self-improvement program (continued throughout the whole hold)
7. projects Chiong- effectively working...
8. Brush up music and dance techniques.

Yah, what a fulfilled life with all aspects considered.

*All subjected to change.

Meanwhile, I have no choice but to so quickly move on to study for the Sec 4 syllabus because I plan to read when sch library re-open, which can deter school work, but or else where and when do I get the chance?

This year holiday is largely to catch-up, chiong and brush up all techniques and work. Forget about the fun, as it will be short-termed. Holiday is simply too short!

Don't worry of course, I know the importance of balance (:

CHINESE/ Addictions to Maths

2009-10-16T16:48:00.007+08:00

I'm kinda infuriated by that the school library is taken by the sec fours! So I cannot go library and read my half read Goblet of fire or any other maths and sciences book which I would not have any other time to read them, especially during school period.

Chinese is great, Ms Tee had inspired me to work even harder for Chinese and strive for excellence in it, especially so when the world has increasing recognition of it. I'm gonna start my Language Intensive soon, because I have realised that my language hasn't improve any bit since primary six, now so many years to catch up, but I have done it before.

I have ignited passion for Maths and Sciences after reading my sister's book about Isaac Newton, a natural philosopher who discovered the binomial theorem, calculus, integrated calculus, differential, forces, and many more. I'm not sure if that's just a moment of passion or a rather prolonged dedication but I know I will never become a scientist or a mathematician when I grow up, because of all of their sacrifices, instead, I would take as much joy discovering and studying the natural laws already uncovered by fellow earlier geniuses.

In some of the books, I have found out that a take an average of 20 years for a slightly talented mathematician to prove a law and be a bit famous. Oh gosh, such a long time, therefore it can be concluded that an occupation like this never take you far, unless you are as talented as Newton or Einstein. But the fact is, most of them tend to avoid and shy away from the limelight, they prefer to work quietly. As in one of the book, " Mathematicians' subtle trains of thought, minute considerations, and rigorous arguments do not lend themselves to infotainment. For better or worse, mathematics is a science with a low profile". Indeed, Newton himself had tried to keep all his findings and research in a secret and refused to share it with the world so as to avoid criticisms. Well then, I wonder, Why do all geniuses have such weird personalities, that's interesting remark, isn't it?

So, I'm gonna continue my study after a short break, really look forward to the much anticipated Calculus!

And I discovered I love writing, in English or Chinese, myabe that's my thrid love, Literature, I did not want to admit it for a long time because my language is not good and because it won;t aides in my dreams of getting 10A1s because it is already impossible to get high mark or 90+, I'm even considering taking it in JC, though it's quite unbelievable, but then writing can happen anytime. I will find time for it.

Going to take a peek at calculus, hahas!

Pre-post exams/Chinese Paper

2009-10-15T17:04:00.004+08:00

Physics Paper 1 was inexplicably challenging though, but Biology paper 1 was very simple that I had finished it in no more than 20min and got quite a shock.

Well, It all left with Chinese paper, I'm feeling rather excited, having known that we would be siting for the 'O' Level Exams in less than a months' time! And it is the last paper before I would embark on speed-reading- I should not have compromised my reading time! ):

Actually, I had already begun reading yesterday where I spent no more than 15min on science revision, maybe it's because I have been revising so systematic that it had seemed easy, except for physics! But It's actually my second greatest love, which had been increasingly intensified after those leisure readings of the beautiful equations and Albert Einstein and his theory of relativity.

Mathematics, which had given lives hope and wonder, filled the world with awe because of its beautiful manifestation, as we uncovered the endless possibilities behind the intricacies and complexity of the phenomenal and mysterious meanings, is my greatest love somehow, after repeated cycle of failures and successes in it. I was glad that Mr Chan had failed to disappoint me and probably the whole cohort for such a difficult paper, though he had remarked that it is the easiest paper ever set, so that our knowledge base will grow, especially the part on trigonometry, don't you agree with me that the Marks don't matter as much as learning do? Glad that we have an opportunity to learn, albeit our marks suffer.

I cannot wait to continue my readings! I was actually reading three books simultaneously! Wow, hope that I will persist! Chinese paper tomorrow, study hard today! I want an A1! I'll get focus...

I'll be back for update tomorrow (:

Resumed Blogging

2009-10-14T17:28:00.002+08:00

I had only spent 5min to study for chemistry yesterday and was so confident of today's paper. I think it should not be so easy. Well, that's confidence or complacency?

I reached home at 9.30am today and had all the luxury of time once in a while, but I realised that I still prefer the busy life in school. Well, I'll got it soon...

I vowed not to change blogskins ever again, because it took me days to get it done! Just a mere waste of time.

I got quite excited for the schedule planned during the Dec. Hols. It's kind of tight and busy, hope that I will stick with it.

Meanwhile, I want to get an A1 for Chinese!! Let try this Prelim (:

Such a Failure

2009-10-09T15:26:00.002+08:00

One week of demanding EOYs....

There were many mistakes and failures, particularly that i was faring below my potential and expectation.

I am pertinacious to catch up with our my work during my short December holiday- which is about 1mth. I think I am really very behind rest of the masses. What's worse is that I had compromised other areas of my lives for my study and still did not do very well. This year, secondary three was the climax of the secondary life, and it is about to end in a moment. It's sad because I haven;t reap anything for it. I think I had worked the hardest this year, and still not getting the result I coveted.

But then, some subjects were very okay. I think I shouild get up on my feets and do my best. after all, that dream of mine is to be come true. I'll see, and everyone will.

Hurray!

2009-09-15T18:23:00.003+08:00

Finally, like after so long, blogger's construction is done, because I don't like to write in the messy mess last time, heheh!

Yesterday mdm Liew just encourage us to speak good English, I seriously don;t know how, and my chinese is also not good, that's direct contradiction to that Chinese Att. Singapore really has a goood environment, huh? Got like 11 questions from audience, did not answer well to any one.

I thought that our class might have a very good study environment because everyone is so hardworking and I try to be more hardworking so that I can like motivate people to study also, but in the end, I think that it's diminishing, because people are like giving up... But then... there are stilll some people desperate as ever.

I got 19/30 for trigo test only, it's below average, but I still want to go against nature, I'm aiming for A1s for Maths and Sciences especially, and continue to strengthen my humanities, while I spice up my languages a little. At least, let my get the best improvement award! (:

But there is one motto in my life: Never Let Go What You Set Your Sight For. This is the basic principle to my attitude to life.

Gonna study physics today and finish my revision for maths and sciences this week, and do on humanities next week, then languages the third week. :D

I'm going be chionging than ever, thanks to the wonderful environment got from my class-mainly because of peer pressure and competition from other class. Want my class to perform the best again, so that we can get the best teachers next year! Yay! I reckon 10A1s scholars will be from our class leh!

I will do my best, all that I can give, after today, after the most regrettable mistake from the trigo test. Yah, I can do it. Even if I can not now, I will still do it eventually.

I'll be back in 17 Oct.

This week review

2009-08-16T17:16:00.000+08:00

I'm abit frustrated at my progress. I think it is the self-practise that contributed most to my progress instead of listening to their lectures. Teachers are only there to assist, we can't depend on them of our futures.

School is so busy, I have an average of 4h free time at home after school on weekdays, and 7h on weekends.

This the proportion of my spending of time every week:

Total: 34h (does not include lesson)
Acadmics: 20h
Homework: 5h
Slacking/Internet: 4h
Piano: 2h
Dance: 2h
Daydream: 1h

Of the 20h Academics weekly, this is the proportion spent this week:

Maths: 5h
Biology: 5h
Physics: 5h
Chemistry: 3h
Humanities: 2h
English: 0h
Chinese: 0h

Look how my languages had been neglected.

Wonder why time is still not enough for me... Why do I still think time flies so fast, why I cannot finish my daily works. Yah, what do you think is a problem?

Stressed!

2009-08-02T18:29:00.000+08:00

It seemed as if I really that persistent, working through the hours, without feeling drained. But there's always still so much left to be done, such that time is never enough to accomplish them all. Everyday, I would come back from school and start immediately on those works, but it seemed so ineffective, for it is so frustrating tp revise the same thing over and over again, having forgotten them once more.

Yah, It's not how long you committed to these works, it's how effective and strategic.

I found frictional books as a form of entertainment now, to relieve the tremendous loads piled onto me. I had abandoned my habit of watching television, as even now, I have barely time for books. Well, I sometimes feel frustrated that I had forgotten about the stories having read some times ago and had to re-read again as if I have never read it, and then I began to ponder if it was after all a waste of time. But then, I knew that I would fotgot whatever I have learnt now sometimes later, then would it also be a waste oif time and effort then? I hope not.

It can;'t be that everything is a waste of time. Well, you need persistence to sustain your talents!

Okay, so I will study less but more productive! And I will strike a balance between work and play too! (:

Meanwhile, it's that stressful, not even have the luxury to procrastinate, or had been forced to forget about it anyway, expectations to meet, dreams to achieved, standards to set.

But i will hold on.

Expectations And Anticipations

2009-07-24T20:55:00.002+08:00

Everything just boils down at me. Things did not went as I wanted it to,
I'm racing against the time, perhaps in the wrong direction, the biggest problem is the lack of clear direction and strategy.

(Will continue from this post some days as I dive further to search for the answer and also the format for is blogger is weird and spoi my mood for blogging -.-)

Understanding Physics/Independent Will

2009-07-18T18:34:00.004+08:00

There's physics Olympiad training today. The teacher told us that we are going to cover all the 'O' and 'A' level syllabus for physics plus some university topics, within 4 sessions! It is rather ridiculous and it is the first time that I have gone through such a bulletspeend lecture that I learn very little after the 2h session. I felt very disturbed that I cannot understand at all, though I understand a little that others don't, and felt quite high and exhilarated, not because that I am sadistic and like it when others are below, it's just that it can defeat the assertion that I am naturally slow, lols.

But as I think through, everyone should be able to understand any difficult concept, if they have the right attitude, in a short time. Our intelligence may differ from one another, but if you see, it isn;t significant. So stop saying that you are slow, when you don;t even try. I am sure that those people who can understand had tried hard.

And through the physics beyond the syllabus, I start to see the beauty and purpose of everything else, like trigonometry, differentiation and geometry, because they are so often used in the abstract physics, and they are essential too! I regretted not knowing some concepts earlier. It was only today that I realised whatever force we exerted on anything, the same amount is exerted back and you had to overcome it to move it, and many common ideas, that I had also see and understand it in the wrong way in the past. I really love physics and mathematics, especially!

Then the teacher share with us that usually those Ip school will have a higher percentage of students winning the medals because they are more prepared, given the best resources and talents and time. So unfair. But then, I also believe in self-study and self-read, lols, I should have been determined to read beyond our syllabus years ago!

At home, I eat a lot, while I'm against my soul and conscience. Just for one moment of exhilaration, I suffered quite a lot with intense pain of stomache and discomfort, should have listen to my inner voice.

Then while thinking it was quite unfair for those Ip school to gain so much, I start to think about the environment too. It seem that those parent who are committed, witty and capable often produce better children. Such that my mother ofter cook so much and coerced me to eat to satisfy her, and I was growing fat as a result. And my family, in my opinion, often give up easily in hard times. i was wondering if I could be influenced by them negatively. But then I make my own choice and is endowed by independent will, so I am responsible for what ever that happen to me.

Don't blame anymore,

I decided to write out my first draft of personal mission statement by tomorrow and buy five notebooks to motivate myself to observe, read, write, research and learn beyond the four walls of the classroom. My life is beyond 'O' level, academics, passions, relationships or kinship.

I would want to explore other interests like psychology, economics, wisdom literature and philosophy, apart from languages, mathematics, sciences and humanities beyond the syllabus. I also want to record my experiences and write and review to have better self-awareness and gain new insights and learn!

I want to learn a new concept/theory of any category, new vocabulary everyday! I will write down too.

Of course, I don't just study, I find time to discover myself, build stronger relationships and strengthen my other athletic, artistic or life-skills talents.

Life is one whole piece, synergise it! My everyday would be so fulfilled and meaningfully enjoyable.

This way life will be fulfilled and a sense of fulfillment will replace the haunting emptiness.

My promise for myself on a daily basis:

1. Will communicate with my soul, visualise and record my reflections and experiences.

2. Will spend at least 1h to strengthen my concept and practise in mathematics.

3. Will learn at least 5 new words/phrases in English and Chinese each.

4. Will think through and enhance understanding of an abstract concept in various field daily, not restricted to the syllabus. Learn a new concept every week (at least).

5. Will revise my works and ensures that I'll on the right track to EOY- practise and do whatever it is required for my 10A1s, make it a daily effort.

6. Plan weekly and spend some time reading motivational book.

7. Above all, I aimed to fulfilled my other committments apart from my academics, like my ccas and piano, physical and social development.

Inspiring Figure

2009-07-17T20:54:00.003+08:00

I think my previous posts are rather messy, because they are typed out so rushly and I can't really expressed my feelings properly -.-

Short and sweet, hahas.

Haiz, see , like no time to think and blog things out....

I'm beginning to see the mission of my life.

That is to become an inpsiring figure that people can look to, and bring out the best in every individuals.

Such that,
I am an ordinary person with extraordinary abilities,
With an incredibly unique story of mine behind me,
Apart from the tremondous success I have achieved,
Which had I suffered the many hardships,
Endured those pain and overcome so endless obstacles,
With such persistence, courage, determination and self-confidence,
And not once succumb to those fears and lost in social scripting,
Always believe in my own principles and my impassioned vision,
Also reach out to the deprived, the lost, and the poor,
To impart them my power such that they can make a difference,
And my life story will serve as an inspiration to the many,

That why's every single day has its story to tell and worth a piece to write, a memory to retain. That's why my everyday counts. That why's I am working so hard for it.

Emptiness

2009-07-16T21:38:00.004+08:00

Probably is not going to study in class anymore.... cos I got disturbed by haozhe in class, I chased after him for don't know how long for my handphone, think I should have catch him but was tired laughing. He then keep joking about my sms, lols. And Mars gang up with him to bully me -.- lols this was yesterday. Then yog teach me damm long for one question and then the physics olympiad training, so fun! Really very enthu for physics leh!

Then the china ppl come to our class and seating arrangement change a little. did not get the opportunity to change my seat but new ppl are seating besides me (:

And... I don;t know if I'm faking stupid or naturally slow... I think I'm both la. Because i can grab concept easily after understanding it but I have to know how.... but something that just no explanation -.-

I'm feeling weird today, very empty, as if I'm not a living thing.

Think I'm psycho, can tell what a person is thinking after observing their actions and expressions. But the irony is that I don't know myself that well. Aint aware of myself.

Went to confront someone, maybe I shouldn't in the first place...

Homeworks still pilling up...

Inexplicably came an intense feeling of longing and a mixture of euphoria and depression,
Transcending into various forms, till beyond recognition and description,
It come and go, and just haunts me, as if I have to do something to soothe it,
A distorted past, A passionate, sustainable love, An unshakeable desire, A destined route,
Emptiness can't be filled, life just seems unfulfilled, no matter I dump how much of my savings,
Will step forward anyway, so fearlessly... then,
And so my real journey began this way, looking for you still
Smiling ever so, I'll face it all, and do it anyway.

I'm feeling exhilarated when you walk with me,
Till the end, the mutual feelings so undeniable,
An extraodinary friendship that will last till eternity,
A passionate and compassionate love with unfanthomable emotions,
A predestined attachment, that can't be break away.

So together we walk, even spiritually, I don't seem to mind,
Because you are non-existent though your presence is felt,
Oh, why is it just an illusion, that felts so real...
Because I have been deceiving myself all along,
There's just me on the path and nobody else.

That's when the emptiness came,
But principles had filled it again,
It doesn't matter if I'm alone,
For I lead my own life,
So gladly that I still look up to you.

Later did I realised that I am actually with my own soul,
And can will I find my soulmates anyway,
Maybe, maybe, life is that funny,
You are quite fun to walk with, huh?

1st week of Term 3

2009-07-03T22:05:00.004+08:00

Shall blog about my school-life for this week.

Had been sightly quiet during the first few days- because I only want to ask good questions. I don;t know if I will degeniused myself if I stop questioning about things. But to some extent, I will ponder over it first, afterall my mind is inquisitive, hahas.

Had been quite closed up those days- because of self-awareness and don;t know what -.- as if I had tansformed to the me in the past. I was very quiet, reserved and shy in sec 1. I became rather enthusiastic in sec 2. I am of course very very nosy, irritating and talkative in sec 3, sem 1, hahas. Don't want to switch back to the shy me- because it will compromise my social life and not encourage interactions. Lols, my emotinal intelligence is already very low-I need some exposure, hahas.

I usually like to observe others and their reactions to certain phenonmenon, lols. It's pretty cool~

I think the people in my class are very fun and nice! hahas!

There is BAS presentation next sat-I will do a great job! (:

Miss lunch today to study, the 1h and half free period look quite short. Was surprised that the night study programme was cancelled.

I will continue to study intensively from the start of term 3. Will not be distracted, love to focus somehow. And I like to study in class-it's a test of concentration when it's nosiy and can learn much from other people.

Spent about 2h for physics chapter 1: Measurements- so inefficient... ):

Yesterday, yingting asked if how do I have time to study. Had thought of that questions obviously. Realised my mistakes of the past... The fact is that I don't study that often last time...

" Make your choices! Choose all and you will gain nothing, so focus on just one, for you will gain most of it"

yah, one thing at the time. Focus 95% on the present-this is what you can do with it now

Had I gone quiet? ~

2009-06-30T17:46:00.004+08:00

Haizya..... Things changed so much.

Although the lessons are getting more and more exciting, it also is quite sianz because I realised that I had gone a lot quiet, and........ there are no topics to talk about to anybody except just asking about homework. Lols, can I return to how and what am I last time?

And maybe the class seating arrangement should change, I want to talk to people I never usually talk before. I believe that there will always be somthing new for me to discover in others.

Siting in the same seat, the most front row, can't see anyone from my view, lols. I actually like to observe people without them noticing because it would be weird, hahas.

Overally, the class was quiet and the atmosphere was cold (sianz), maybe it's because I was just too quiet. Everyone had been more assiduous. Nevermind, I will just walk around to look for entertainment if I'm on the right mode. XP

Knowing something Not Meant to be Known~

2009-06-28T16:44:00.004+08:00

" I'll keep it to myself as knowing is more than half the fun."

I Hate buffet~

2009-06-27T22:03:00.005+08:00

Me and my cousins (:

Do you think that I laugh too much? (I can't act normal in front of a camera) Lols! XP

Okay, this will be an exception, no quote by me at the beginning -.-

My second post on the same day, yah...

I receieved a call today, telling me that my piano class has been shifted from 12.30pm to 4pm and is basically very happy because I do not have to miss my other class and have more time to prepare for piano class. Lols, I can also schedule to go for gym on Sun morning! Wow!

Then I went to the buffet from 7pm to 10pm, which I think is a waste of time because it's so far and we only go there to eat and I am coerced to eat as much as I can possibly eat because my mother and aunt say we must earn back the money! -.-

I sit there, eat and eat, and was soon bored, was glad that I can kill time replying Fabian's sms, lols. He's like the only person who will sms me, cos maybe he juz sms that often. XP And I was enjoying myself taking photos for English homework, going to post it next time. (:

I won't be posting tomorrow, I hope because my homework still left maths, english and bio. I did not manage to do anything today -.-

So, I guess I cant post that frequently... hopefully once a week or a fortnight, Haiz....

When term 3 start, everything will be so fast paced... I don't want to be the odd one just waiting there while everyone are pursuing their soul, heheh. Let's just start work, for our dreams!~

The Revelation of the Unknown part of the Story

2009-06-27T12:41:00.011+08:00

" I guess that it's just impossible to know the whole part of the story if one refuses to share, each of us is blessed to have a part unknown and different, but still bears the truth and clarity by one's own insight, and together we made a whole big piece."

It seems that the only chance I have is now to blog because there will be a family outing later. ^^ also wanted to thank DcF1337 to help me open up. (:

"Everyone who has a fan, will have a hater. Even the most likeable person will have haters and you have to get used to people hating you if you want to be heard but frankly, most of these haters are just simply Jealous! (:" -DcF1337

The rest of the content of this post however, will be quite touchy to some people but I decided to seize the chance to post this with just 4 trusted souls currently who knew about the existence of this blog. Lols, actually have ten people that I can completely trust and to view my blog.

"People often will hide the truth of their opinions of you, and you just cannot tell, making it hard for you to decipher what they truly feel about you- But sometimes it's alright to feel just what people want you to feel~"

Jk share with me his part of his story of the May incident in his blog. Just wanted to tell you that it is completely fine that you had that impression of me that time. I am really grateful that you still talk to me in msn and hiding the fact that you don't really like me that time and appreciative that you have become more open, hahas. And that's after knowing about your story that I decided to share mine too (:

(I took a lot of courage to post this -.- Tell me what to censor if necessary... XP)

This is how when everything turned upside down... Me and Jk were gossiping in msn one fine day then we came to talk about bj, then he invited Jon so that I can ask more about him. Aya, story very long la -.- then dont know how bs was invited into the convo. Lols, that's the 1st part where me, jk, wl, jon, bs and ly were like discussing about it... They must be so disgusted about my openness and bluntness that time. I was trying to be funny, yah, I'm disgusted at myself too :x

(That time was just after mye. Actually it's supposed to be my form of entertainment, noticed that it is just after exam -.-)

The story traced back to even earlier, just two week before Mye, one day when exploring facebook, aya, this story also very long la -.- Then I lied to M about who I like- And that's when everything started.... (I later realised that all along, I'm just playing with it, and almost ended up in the real thing -.- it's because I wanted to see what's it like and how it'll turn up, and got into the vacillating emotion of depression and happiness.)

But the not so fun part was when everyone started to be very ***** with me for some period of time.

Because (only now) I can sensed jk's horror and disgust at my bluntness, jon expressing his sianzness and lameness , bs's hostility cos maybe he thought I always got new target and was afraid -.-, ly's displeasure and shockness, M's sympathy, hz's meanness, and bj hiding his awkwardness and disgusted look as well and a lot of people's surprise and disgust. wl was basically my counsellor for the whole incident, hahas.

So, I'm like pressured to either go all the way to finish it or abandon my whole ridiculous game plan. But I did not do anything, because I had mixed feelings due to my own certainty. Part of me feel wrong, the other part think that I should continue the fun.

The most awkward part was how van or yt confront me and the tone for the whole convo was very accusative and defensive or how I confront bj and he had to fake his friendliness and hide his anger so that I can mitigate my guilt. But I am still appreciative of how people and bj himself had refused to tell me their badmouthings. (Btw I'm still pretty inspired by your pm that reads: 渴不饮盗泉水，热不息恶木阴, and hope that you can continue to put more chinese phrases like this, lols)

Just wanted to tell you that it's really okay for I would have reacted similarly if I were in your shoes. Realised that you people had been really nice.

A month had past.... everything had changed. Things were seemingly back to normal with a few seeds of friendships planted once again after the forest had been destroyed.

I also sincerely would like to apologise to those people who I have hurt and would like to ask for your forgiveness. On my part, I will watch my words and actions as well. I hope you would not be once again disgusted by the openness of this post, it's just that everything has to come to a clear and nice ending, and the unknown part of the story has to be heard (: - but I will save this unpublished if neccessary.

Therefore let's forget about the ugly part of the past, remember where we had once started and celebrate the fact that we have been through so much.

Just want you to know that I see you differently now after all these after so many changes XD
I see a whole new you, even clearer and cleaner~

For myself: " Every little thoughts count, for any decisions made, bear in mind the consequences, for they can't stay undisturbed. When people are involved, that's how the complications swirl, and the done can't be left undone"

Social/Emotional Intelligence Deficiency~

2009-06-26T19:33:00.005+08:00

" I was thinking of doing this that night. But when I woke up, I realised it's been just but a dream, but somehow it takes something else more to materialise it."

I was very frustrated this morning because my room has been occupied. I was seldom so petty but it was just because I was so stressed up but I still cant finish my homework today. There's still maths, bio and English left, so I chased my guest away, I was very rude, I know. No wonder, people can hate me.

I have the opportunity to know people just like that who don't care about anything else and believe that they should remain the way as they are though frequently disliked due to one's insensitivity. I used to hate these kind of people though I faced them most often. But I realised that I was just like one of them. So, they are actually acting as my mirror, seeing others in myself. Then I realised that this world doesn't allow man to be an island and that we should try to accommodate others.

Sometimes, I'm just lost, I just don't know what to do in certain situation. That's okay, I will listen. I still can feel.

" See others in myself, See myself in others"

I am very critical of myself right now. When I scanned those evidence that cannot be mistaken in msn history, I realised that I'm so whatever. (my vocab is limited to describe it :P) It's not just msn, maybe I have been doing it in normal conversations. I don't mean all of it, just a few. I'm just disgusted at myself when I tried to look at myself from others' perspective- no wonder... I will like hate myself if I see myself in your perspective. Only a few people who truly understand me won't, because they know I'm like that. I should have known. I'm just easily misunderstood upon the first or second or even third impression, how do I change myself...... I wonder?

I will have to be more sensitive, and doing the right thing at the right time. I have to consider and allow for your own spectrum of openness and freedom of privacy. I wont probe. I wont force things out. I wont do things you don't like me to.

I hope I can won't be so easily misunderstood in the future (:

Lols, I believe that I will make it- simply because you have no idea how much you matter to me~

(Btw, anybody can help me edit my post, as in my language problem, hahas XD)

And yah, went to the gym at 8am (: , but yesterday was better. And I found out that training physically can improve my willpower and concentration, I can study much better, yay!

But if you would like me to choose between jogging for 5km and studying for 5h, I would choose the latter, because I had done it far much longer and better that it become easier, and hopefully my second nature~

Hardest it may be, Easiest it may turn up~!

2009-06-25T19:55:00.005+08:00

" When you are thoroughly drained out, legs' breaking and arms' even more soreful, throat so dry and mental not working, it is this that keeps you going"
I can't remember the exact quote, but this is just roughly what I had experienced.

I did not have the luxury of time to all the things I had planned for today. I woke up at about 10am, do a mindmap of 1 physic chapter for about 30min (only :x), then went to Swenson at 1pm and reached home at 3pm! lols! Time flies so quickly... I had a very heavy lunch and a delightful chocolate crunch ice-cream so delicious that I swear never to eat ice-creams or chocolates in the future- because it can never be ever more delicious!

I went home at 3 and cont. about 5min on physics..... And went to the Gym at 5pm, I had no idea what I had did between 3-5, time is just too fast, but it's slow when you spend it wisely...that's the lovely part~

So I went to the Gym, feeling 'sianz' (a little).... and I started to jog for 5min and soon give up. I realised that 5 min was so long when I exercise.... and I was so tired and had gastric pain, lols. But just then, I was some inspiring figures that ran for so long and I was so impressed and inspired. And their muscles are so well-developed and their bodies so gorgeous- I thought they must have do this for very long and was perplexed at how they can do this. So, I blast my music and ran and ran. And my muscles really ache and my legs breaking, but I actually persisted through for 35minute excluding warming-up, so long that the machine actually stop itself! Then after that, I could not walk properly. The experience had been great- I was pushing and pushing and realised that limits are only an illusion-they are no limits!

So you see, when I first I started I wanted so badly to stop, but as I persisted and move on, and it became easier and more enjoyable, to the extent that I don't want to stop, with gastric pain while running at a speed of 7km/h- yah, it's just average jogging, but I never had persisted so long before. :D and I think I could even be obsessed with it.

The same thing applies to studies or anything you find hard to do. Once you persist, you will get into another mystical level of competency and opening up more doors for self-discovery and accomplishments, where hatred transformed into intense love as a result of your efforts!

So, I should stop asking how peoples do this, do that- why can study so long, why result so good, and blah blah :x Yep, I stop being too interested in these extraordinary peoples and their lives anymore. Because I know I also can be like that~!

And I asked too much, sometimes, it's better to just feel it. hmm... and ponder about this:

"The secret is not to think. We think in words. And what lies beneath the reality we see is a truth that words can't contain. The secret is to feel."- Dean Koontz's "The Husband", pg 254.

Oh well, I should be leading an extraordinary life, if I want to be extraordinary people! Tough that it may seem at the beginning, but bear with it for just for a few moments, and you would see the extraordinary result coming from you beyond your expectations, and realised that how all these had been so worthwhile and that how limits are just illusions.

Maybe that's just the secret that some peoples never realise...

Spent an hours crafting this post, my language still not that proficient ):

Well, I'm motivated to get started. Start today, Start Now, Start small at least!

William Somerset Maugham: Determination Quote
It’s a very funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

An Ending is also a New Beginning~

2009-06-24T20:03:00.001+08:00

End of Wednesday, 24 June, to think that I actually missed the Primary 6 outing...

Nevermind, I think I should stop daydreaming and thinking about my wishful thinking, lols.

But yesterday convo was rather entertaining and funny for my boring afternoon. I came to know a few peoples in Msn, and actually tell them an entertaining story of mine, without having met them in person. We were actually taking about peoples! Not gossiping exactly, because it is more of praising and comparing, but I actually got bored after talking about it for so long. Then I was thinking about the May incident, the storyline was very interesting, maybe someday I could tell you XP. Then I started to kind of regret me ending it so fast....It has a very extraordinary beginning and quite lame ending. Haiyo, it's so fun, but an ending is also a new beginning right? But it had ended, I can't possibly rewind time, and that's the beautiful part, because of this.

Oh well, wasted two days..... doing nth, thinking of the unimportant stuffs, to be exact..... why? when I failed myself, I feel more inclined to fail again, and when I had succeeded, I became even more motivated to succeed again. A natural cycle huh? And it takes greater efforts than before to break it. So, come on, let's get back to the right track! Stop dreaming about wishful dreams that will never materialise and stop indulging in lame stuffs.

Okay, so I will start work now yay!

I have no idea why I'm posting a second post in the same day... But I won't have so much time to blog anywhere when the term start, or to go online in Msn, class blog, or facebook and YouTube. But isn't that the nice part too? :D

I shall end with two random phrases told from some other friends from some convos just yesterday:

"Awkwardness is only a choice, when both parties are mature enough to understand"

"Each one of us has different preferences. Imagine what the world would be like when we all go for the same kind of things, and everyone like the same type of people... You could say it's destiny that we are fixed to offer variety, but things are just the ways they are."

June Holiday Reflections 2009~

2009-06-24T14:09:00.000+08:00

For some time, I finally decided to blog, publicly. But it still doesn't matter because people will still thought my blog is private XP But I am quite frustrated that I took so long to find and edit the new blogskin, I figured it is wiser not to change blogskin.... but I don't think like background so dark, oh well, I will just change the colours. Well, let see how open I can be.... How long will it last. I know I am going to be wrong, because this's different.

But hey that's not the main point. Many things had taken place this 6 months since the start of 2009. Interesting and exciting, disappointing and melancholy. I wish I had written about them, but I'm often lazy. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder, what would I do if time had given me a chance... But I shouldn't be restrained by this illusions, things had happened and I still have a long way to go.

I remembered planning to do so much during to June Holiday, but I had failed, little had been done. Although this is my first holiday that I had alienated myself from all those games, most of my time are still not in best use, my homework still left undone, and many books untouched. Yet, I told myself that I would cherish the next holiday. That's just procrastinating, how many times had it happened? I had left a few more days to term 3. I promised myself to finish my homework and revision of mid-year. There's little time left... But I know that term 3 would be more hectic, even more extraordinary because of my tight schedule but I want to make it happen and persist on. Someday, I know I will succeed, if I really want to.

Another depressing issue is the H1N1 virus that may postponed our second class outing. These kind of incidents are inevitable, I guess. I think I will spend less time on the computer and focused on my schoolwork and those stuffs

Looking back on my wrecked past, pondering on the untouched , daring to go for the impossible, and creating another world of possibility~

A decision you should be making,
A problem should be solving,
A possiblity you should be examining,
A project you should be starting,
A goal you should be reaching,
An opportunity you should be seizing,
A dream you should be fulfilling.